Saturday, May 27, 2006

Remind Us

The Devil Went Down To TEXAS

This Handbasket Earth
by jurassicpork
Thu May 25, 2006 at 08:41:32 PM PDT

Say what you want about the Devil but you have to give him his due. He's slicker at inking a deal than all the executives at Enron, Worldcom and Tyco combined.

It all started with that fishing trip before the 1994 Texas gubernatorial election. In attendance was a drifter named George Bush, Karl Rove, other assorted Republican kingmakers and, of course, the Devil.

* jurassicpork's diary :: ::

The official secular story is that during that trip, when Rove wasn't pulling hooks out of Bush's hair, Junior went to political finishing school. And suddenly, through Turd Blossom's tender and patient ministrations, transformed a vagrant whose most significant achievement had been in kicking Sammy Sosa out of Texas into gubernatorial material. Mature, polished, politically pragmatic, disciplined.

Someone who could eat a pretzel or ride a bicycle over 90% of the time without injury (but, alas, not simultaneously. Sadly, there are limits even to Turd Blossom's kingmaking powers.).

With agents like Karl Rove, it's easy for the Devil to remain anonymous, be above suspicion. The Devil's greatest trick, as someone once said, was in fooling the human race into believing that he didn't exist.

And with Karl Rove, who needs a Devil?

Now, Lucifer had been in a slump since losing his golden fiddle down in Georgia to that Johnny fellow. And he knew that people like Robert Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Farrah Fawcett and Marissa Tomei don't come along every day.

Then he looked at the figure with the rolled-up trouser legs in that creek in East Texas looking like Forrest Gump as J. Alfred Prufrock, the one who couldn't catch a fish but instead hooked Karl's fat ass and knew that he'd struck supernatural Texas tea.

He couldn't in good conscience, if the Devil could be said to even have a conscience one way or the other, offer much for Dubya's atrophied, seldom-used soul but he knew that Karl would drive a hard bargain. Lucifer found that out first-hand back when Rove learned his trade coiled at the late Lee Atwater's goat legs.

But the Devil had a deep bag of tricks.

Okay, tell ya what I'm gonna do, said the Dark Lord to the GOP strategist with the slickness of Elmer Gantry. I'll get your boy to the State House in Austin and I'll go you one better: I'll make sure I get him in the White House. He'll be the greatest President since Reagan.

The Devil had to then step back lest Rove's seminal fluid hit him in the chest.

But then, the greedy Rove balked at even that and the Devil sighed and looked at the idiot in the creek as he picked up a rock, examined it then swallowed it. No way would the architect take a chance on his boy being a one-termer like Daddy.

"OK, I'll make sure he gets re-elected," Satan said, "but you'll have to meet me halfway. Keep an eye in Ohio in '04."

Rove and the Devil then each spit on their hands and shook on it while George then began eating the bait.

To Rove's glee, the Prince of Darkness looked disappointed. But it was a ruse. The Lord of Darkness didn't get to where he is by making shitty deals. He'd learned a thing or two since dealing with that dirtbag Daniel Webster. To this day, he still gives Marshfield, Massachusetts a wide berth.

Your narrator had mentioned earlier that the Devil's best trick was getting people to think that he didn't exist. But now the Devil had a better one. His tour de force was in fooling just over half the people in America into believing that George Bush was intelligent and competent. George Bush hadn't been endowed with any sudden talents or insights or powers or knowledge. The reason for the bait and switch?

As Herculean as the task was, it was still easier and less time-intensive for the Devil to radically transform 46,000,000 human brains by siphoning enough raw intelligence and cognitive abilities to make even one term possible than it was to make George Bush intelligent, competent or articulate.

So George Bush duly found himself in the Texas state house despite having no choice but to run on his reputation as a businessman, despite Ann Richards tartly pointing out that all his business ventures netted $371,000,000 in losses.

And George Bush sent 134 men and women to their deaths, which would serve as but a down payment of the Devil's due. George would use his and Rove's ties to the tobacco industrythat would've blocked $17,000,000,000 worth of tobacco industry settlements from getting into Texas' coffers.

After six years of unrelenting evil, the rich were richer and the poor got poorer and as long as the rich were happy, everyone was happy. Indeed, it looked as if George had finally grown up and acquired some discipline and maturity even though the Devil's supernatural neurosurgery blocked conservatives from realizing that George was still the same developmentally challenged, chocolate-faced, spoiled frat boy he always had been and that now he was still a sociopathic drifter only with a big paycheck and a limousine. Phase two was set.

2000 came and Old Scratch surrounded George with even more spinmeisters so that only those between the very most casual observers and the vociferous Amen screamers could see that Georgie was still a glorified dry drunk with a mean, vindictive streak as wide as Rove's ass. He added Dick Cheney to further ensure the Rapture as well as Ari Fleischer and then Scott McClellan (actually, automatons built by Terry Gilliam for Brazil that didn't quite come off as real enough for movie use that the Devil put flesh over).

Almost immediately, 3000 died less than eight months into his watch when he waved aside warnings from the outgoing administration and then from his own National Security advisor. When the first jet struck, he went on a photo op at a grade school. When the second plane hit, for seven minutes he looked like roadkill.

And America thought they had a strong, decisive leader.

No sooner had those 3000 poor souls been issued their Kevlar underwear from Beelzebub over 100,000 more died when George then decided to liberate the Iraqis from their oil in retaliation for the first 3000 deaths. Iraq became an incubator for terrorism and became the very rationale for perpetuating a war that was waged for dishonest and dead-wrong reasons, to begin with.

And still America thought they had a strong, decisive leader.

The Devil was thinking of adding a tenth circle in Hell before realizing that Halliburton would get that contract, too, and he didn't feel like being double-billed for shoddy services rendered.

Then Katrina came and over 1000 more died. This time, however, George didn't freeze but flew off in the opposite direction to propagandize the war, compare himself to a real President, eat cake, play golf and go to Republican fundraisers while the economy tanked, the terrorists were getting stronger, people were drowning, the pollution got worse, nations rose up in anger against us and grieving mothers of the war dead went ignored.

Business was good.

But then the Devil's subtle manipulation of our thinking pulp started to come undone and peoples' minds were beginning to uncloud. Of course, there was still a sizable factionin whose alleged brains the Devil's dexterity had taken full and permanent hold but the rest of the nation was finally awakening as from a troubled dream or nightmare only to find out that real life was worse than the nightmare.

But by this time it didn't matter because the Devil's work was almost complete. The Devil's will be done.

Because the Devil's new best trick was in making people believe that George Dubya Bush was a competent, compassionate President and that he would lead them to the Rapture. It was a crowning irony that Dubya actually thought he was doing the Lord's work when in reality he was doing the work of the fallen angel who'd once sat at the Right Hand of God.

Why take souls one at a time when you could always outsource the job to ministers of gracelessness such as George Bush? We are going to hell in this hand basket known as Earth and we cannot blame the Devil or George Bush or Karl Rove but only ourselves for allowing our minds to be so clouded with seemingly little effort when reality was always close enough to touch.


Tags: Bush, Rove (all tags)