Friday, September 28, 2007

Glorious Tours of Republican Sites

The great American hypocrisy tour
Larry Craig's bathroom stall! Haggard's meth hotel! See all the sites of GOP shame. Fun for kids!
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Friday, September 28, 2007

Tourists are flocking to see the bathroom in the Minneapolis airport where U.S. Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a sex sting. "It's become a tourist attraction," said Karen Evans, who staffs the information counter at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. "People are taking pictures." -Associated Press

Kids! Families! War-wary countrymen! Adorable schoolchildren! Hungry to see the real America? Love the idea of a crazy road trip across our fine 'n' scandalous land, one in which you get a real taste of just what kind of crow the local politicos get to eat for breakfast?
Well, search no more, good patriot. Your adventure travel package has arrived.

Yes, it's called Shame Tourism. Or maybe Hypocrisy Travel. Or Shame America! Travelocrisy? Honestly, we haven't really decided yet. There are just so many options.

But who cares? Because it's the latest craze in domestic tourism, specially designed for happy cynics and satirists and fatalists and contrarians and atheists and liberals alike, all you savvy fans of "The Daily Show" and DailyKos and the New Republic and the Nation and pretty much anyone who finds delight in learning of yet another bitter BushCo conservative caught with his hands in the tacky polyester pants of his fellow countrymen. Best of all, it's totally free!*

(*Note: does not include additional costs of food, gas, oil, environmental devastation, condoms, souvenir baggies of crystal meth, cocaine, Viagra, hookers, STD meds, or the sad and savage toll on any happy or optimistic outlook you may have deluded yourself into believing actually exists on this planet.)

First stop: Colorado! What better way to kick off your unique vacation than to step onto the stage at the New Life megachurch in Colorado "Bible Thumper" Springs where big-time evangelist and recently born-again heterosexual Ted Haggard admonished his massive flock against adultery and sin and icky gay sex! Watch the replay on the big screen of the famous video clip where Haggard slams homos and adulterers and heathens! It's almost like being a lost evangelical lemming yourself!

Then, with that hot scene tingling in your mind, hop into our special Hypocrisy Bus and enjoy free vodka Jell-O shooters and comp copies of Butt magazine as we zip on over to Denver and visit the very spot where Haggard received regular "service" from a male prostitute! Feel free to buy a few baggies of souvenir crystal meth* at our specially arranged drop point, talk to Haggard's escort, Mike Jones, maybe get a signed advance copy of his forthcoming book. Praise Jesus!

(*Note: snorting of meth not allowed on tour bus, unless you're really quiet and do it in the back. That means you, Mr. Romney.)

Ah, but we're just getting warmed up. Because from Denver it's just a quick flight over to Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport -- the same spot, by the way, where thousands of quivery GOP faithful will be flying next year for the wildly depressing Republican National Convention -- where we'll check out the exact bathroom stall where "I am not gay" totally gay Idaho Sen. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig toe-tapped his way into political -- and hypocritical -- history!

Learn the difference between simply tapping your foot and urgently asking your neighbor for a blow job because you're a duplicitous Republican cretin! Wave your hand under the stall and see if an undercover cop is on duty! Take a photo of your kid sitting on the toilet where Craig's own tortured homophobia met his repressed gay sexual fantasies in an epic, but still totally creepy example of pathological denial! Feel the history! Or better yet, don't.

From there it's a painless, alcohol-numbed flight down to sunny Florida, where we've managed to procure the exact PC laptop used by obviously gay former Congressman Mark Foley to hit on all those young male congressional pages via e-mail. Tap tap tap! Mmm, isn't that keyboard mysteriously sticky!*

(*Note: You may alternate late Republican mayor Jim West's PC, which was used for many, many years to cruise gay chat rooms, for no extra charge).

By special arrangement, we've arranged it so you can log into the actual AOL account Foley used to send notes to "hunky" congressional pages! It's true! Pretend to type one of your own, including lots of key phrases like "Tell me about your underwear" and "Do you sweat a lot when you masturbate?" Giggle profusely as you hit the Send button, safe in the knowledge that all your e-mails route directly to Karl Rove in his private fetish dungeon somewhere in Utah. Neat!

While stuck in Florida, why not stop over at Veteran's Memorial Park in Titusville (it's OK, no one else knows where the hell it is either), where thick 'n' sweaty Rep. Bob Allen, also a former McCain organizer, offered a "burly black man"/undercover cop a whopping 20 bucks to let Allen fellate him in a public restroom? (What is it with the Republicans, restrooms and fellatio? Hell, at least Clinton cared enough to use the Oval Office couch. Ah, leave it for the historians.)

Peer over the same restroom door Allen leered over before stepping in to make his offer! Fumble for bizarre racist excuses when our "reporter" "interviews" you after you get busted! Delight in the savage irony that Allen was the author of the failed Florida House Bill 1475, known as the "Lewd Or Lascivious Exhibition Act," which would have made it a crime for any adult to masturbate in public, in front of another adult. Feel free to grab a partner and try this fine activity for yourself! Hey, it's totally legal!

Quick as a hasty Republican cover-up, we'll hop on the bus and zip back up to Jefferson, Ind., where we will cruise very, very slowly by the all-American home where burgeoning young hypocrite Glenn Murphy, Jr., former chairman of the Young Republicans and one of the GOP's rising stars, performed what turned out to be his second reported act of non-consensual fellatio on a fellow YR who just so happened to be asleep at the time. Wacky!

If you like, your sullen teenager can lie down on the floor and pretend to be drunk and asleep, and one of our travel facilitators will carefully undo his pants and pretend to give him oral sex! Time your snapshots just right as your teen "wakes up" in horror and shoves "Murphy" away and realizes what a sham both their lives really are! What a terrific scrapbook this will make. Great for Facebook, too!

To top it all off, we'll zip by the local Walgreen's, where we'll grab some adult diapers and head over to the nearest prostitution district and pretend we're Louisiana Sen. David "Diaperman" Vitter, who, according to our favorite D.C. madam and her employees, was not only a regular patron, but an alleged fan of diaper fetishes. Goo-goo gah-gah, indeed!

How about visiting a seedy D.C. bar and offering 50 grand in bribery cash to a guy dressed just like imbecilic faux-mobster Jack Abramoff? Or offering hookers and trips to Randy "Duke" Cunningham, noted as the nation's most corrupt politician? Care to see the exact hospital room where Newt Gingrich served divorce papers to one of his three wives (does it really matter which one?) during her treatments for uterine cancer? Or maybe you'd like hang out at the gym and do some crunches with fake journalist, Bush buddy, and noted gay escort Jeff Gannon? We can make it happen. By special request, we can even show you the very syringe used to impregnate Mary Cheney! Careful, it's a little gamy.

Please note, the options listed here are merely the beginning. Call us in advance, and we will happily customize your trip to your exact specifications. Feel free to mix and match your desired tour stops from our enormous master list of suspected/convicted Republican pedophiles, adulterers, drug users, johns, felons, bribers, sodomizers, deviants, closeted homosexuals, and deadbeat dads who have besotted the "family values" party for the past, well, pretty much forever.

To hell with Hawaii and Disneyland this year, and take the kids on a trip of a lifetime. What are you waiting for? Book your vacation before Christmas and get a free framed copy of the marriage license confirming Jerry Falwell's secret gay marriage to Pat Robertson! Call now!


Thoughts for the author? E-mail him.

See Mark Morford live, at Litquake '07! I'll be "in conversation" with tattooed Buddhist and "Dharma Punx" author Noah Levine at SF's Roxie Theater, Thursday, October 11 at 7:30. And then on Saturday the 13th, I'll be reading my work at 12 Galaxies (along with various semi-insane Chron scribes) as part of Litquake's famed Lit Crawl. Full details here. Come on out, have a drink, say hi, wear something that would get you kicked off Southwest Airlines.

Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SFGate and in the Datebook section of the San Francisco Chronicle. To get on the e-mail list for this column, please click here and remove one article of clothing.

Mark's column also has an RSS feed and an archive of past columns, which includes another tiny photo of Mark probably insufficient for you to recognize him in the street and give him gifts.

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