Bill Maher

October 7, 2005

All right, it's time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen.

New Rule: The guy who wrote Why Do Men Have Nipples? must write another book called If You Care, Then You're Gay.

New Rule: You can only kill the number-two man in Al Qaeda once. According to the White House, we've killed the number-two man in Al Qaeda about nine times now. He's not a terrorist. It turns out he's a zombie. We're fighting them over in Transylvania so we don't have to fight them here.

New Rule: TV has to stop trying to make white people more paranoid than they already are. All the new fall dramas are based on the premise that the suburbs aren't filled with desperate housewives, they're filled with serial killers and aliens. Please, TV, stop freaking out the people in the 'burbs. That's how George Bush got elected! Folks, your neighbor isn't a serial killer; you're not going to be invaded by aliens; and your wife isn't fucking the gardener. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

New Rule: No more millionaires in space. With the deficit skyrocketing and poverty spreading, maybe now isn't the best time to use your Bush tax cut to take a $20 million rocket ride. There's a more rewarding way to spend that kind of cash. Buy yourself a congressman.

New Rule: Women have to meet me halfway. How do you expect me to masturbate to your fashion magazines if I never know when I might see Donatella Versace. Not very dignified at all, Mr. Rushdie, no.

RUSHDIE: No.

AFFLECK: Is this the free speech this man put his life on the line for?! Bill Maher jerking off?!

RUSHDIE: No, no, no. This is not free speech. This is cheap speech.

MAHER: And finally, New Rule: George Bush must meet some new people. You know, when Americans see their president giving every job to the same old cronies, they use words like "loyal to a fault" and "stubborn" and "close-minded," "lives in a bubble," "sock-puppet," "asshole." "Worst president ever." But they're missing the point. The problem isn't his political philosophy - "kill people and animals and take their gas" - the problem is he has to expand his circle of friends beyond his mom, Karen Hughes and the House of Saud. Which is why before George Bush makes another political appointment, he has to join Friendster.

This week, President Bush had to nominate a Supreme Court judge, and he picked the most qualified person within 30 feet of his office. Her qualifications: well, she is a lawyer and former commissioner of the Texas State Lottery. And she's seen every episode of "Judging Amy." Abortion, affirmative action, separation of church and state. Yeah, let's ask the lady who peddled scratch tickets to liquor stores.

Does he just go with the first person he sees? I wouldn't be surprised if Laura was his sister. Now, of course - I keep checking with him - of course, George Bush isn't the first politician to hand out graft gigs to his pals, but he doesn't seem to understand that that's what the bullshit jobs are for: ambassador to the Bahamas. The Recycling Czar. Head of the CIA. But George Bush puts stooges where they can do real damage: Director of FEMA? That guy from the horsie show is available. U.N. Ambassador? Dick Cheney knows a guy with a mustache and anger issues.

Supreme Court justice? Lady down the hall. Labor Secretary? The guy who helped me move that hooker's body at Yale could probably do it. You know - you know, Mr. President, when you got elected, we all figured you were no genius, but smart enough to hire qualified people. But it turns out you're just a dimwit who enjoys feeling superior. And the only way to accomplish that is to surround yourself with the likes of Mike Brown and Harriet Miers: Goober and Aunt Bea. Unspectacular souls who make you feel comfortable and unthreatened. Kind of like when Madonna used to hang out with Rosie O'Donnell.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble. But real friends are the ones who tell you the truth. They're also the ones who work hard so as not to embarrass you. These people who work for you aren't behaving like friends. They're behaving far worse. They're behaving...like family.

Yes, it's almost enough to make you miss the old pre-"honor and integrity" days. Because at least when Clinton talked about tapping the woman down the hall, he was just having sex with her.

All right, that's our show. You were a great crowd. I want to thank my terrific panel: Salman Rushdie, Ben Affleck, Andrew Sullivan, Kayla Williams and Ann Coulter. Thank you, folks. Good night. Good job.