Saturday, August 27, 2005

There's Something About George

For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary - August 25, 2005 - 1:49 P.M. (MST)

Remarks by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. At ease, men. Wow, it's great to be addressing a military audience again. These days, with my approval ratings cruising around with the Ty-D-Bol Man, you guys are the only crowd left where I'm 100% guaranteed a warmer welcome than Ron Reagan Jr. on Fire Island.


So what say we start out with a little pro-Iraq war cheer, fellas? Gimme an M! Gimme an I! Gimme an N! Gimme a C! Gimme an E! Now gimme another M! And another E! And an A! And a T! What does it spell???!

YOU! (Laughs.)

(Applause, Knowing Laughter.)

Now as you may have heard, word on the boob tube is that I don't respect you boys' mommas enough, on account of how I've been ignoring that Cindy Sheebop bitch who's been cramping my style all month.


Yeah, I know it. She's really spitting in you all's faces by saying how she doesn't want you to get killed over a lie, isn't she? The gall, right? I must admit though – you gotta give Cindy points for pure determination. Hell, she's still at it even after I called in a favor and had my pal Jesus give her momma a stroke!


That's why today, I am extra pleased to give that hippy-drippy Big Bird a super-sized "fuck you" by taking two whole minutes to meet with other mothers instead of her. Because I DO respect them. After all, where else would I get fresh Arab killers if it weren't for horny young broads extruding them into the waiting talons of predatory military recruiters?


One of the mothers I met with was this chunky red-haired lady, who's here with us today. Can you stand up for the cameras, toots? There you go. Looky there. A bona fide mommy. And you know what? She's sent FIVE boys and a husband over to Iraq – unlike Cindy Sheehan's measly ONE boy. Do the arithmetic. This broad is like a million percent more momtastic than Cindy could ever dream of being!

And you know what this lady says? She says – and I quote – "I know that if something happens to one of the boys, they would leave this world doing what they believe, what they think is right for our country. And I guess you couldn't ask for a better way of life than giving it for something that you believe in."

Now THAT'S what I call motherly love: having the courage to regurgitate whatever fascist death cult talking points Karl Rove has slipped Sean Hannity that day – then smile vacantly while I slowly feed her entire family into the meat grinder.


Mind you, I should state at this juncture that in the event the aforementioned family meets with a modern-day "Saving Private Ryan" type situation, I will NOT be available for a follow-up heart-to-heart.


And there you have it. Military mommy crisis averted. So let's get back to kicking some FREEDOM® ass in Vietraq!


Thank you, and God Bless America!


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