Sneak Preview! The Cheney-Edwards Debate

LANNING for the 2004 vice presidential debate is already under way. In an attempt to level the playing field, Senator John Edwards's image will be digitally altered to make him 40 percent less "hot looking," and Vice President Dick Cheney will be on a five-second delay. Finally, each man has submitted a wish list of questions to ask the other during the high-stakes face-off.

QUESTIONS FOR DICK CHENEY

1. Former Senator Alfonse D'Amato has suggested President Bush dump you from the ticket. What's your response to him, in two words?

2. If Halliburton and the Carlyle Group both invited you to the movies on the same night, who would you go with?

3. Over the past four years, how many days would you say you spent above ground?

4. Describe in detail your favorite high-impact aerobics routine.

5. Didn't "Fahrenheit 9/11" totally rock?

6. Exactly when did you remove Kenneth Lay from your online buddy list?

7. If there really are no plans to reinstitute the draft, why did you just request a sixth deferment?

8. Is it true that you wept during Darth Vader's death scene?

9. If anything happened to you while serving a second term, would George Bush be fit to be president?

10. Here's something I've always wondered: Does the other side of your mouth work?

QUESTIONS FOR JOHN EDWARDS

1. Who made the final out in the 1954 World Series?

2. What do you have that Dick Gephardt doesn't have, besides eyebrows?

3. Agree/disagree with the following statement: "Litigators are opportunistic leeches who are sucking the lifeblood from our nation's economy."

4. On average, how many times a day do you check yourself out in shiny surfaces?

5. Is it true that your son, Jack, said of Senator Kerry, "Daddy, please don't make me play with that weird old guy anymore"?

6. On the night Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon, which pajamas were you wearing, the ones with the cowboys or the ones with the ducks?

7. What's your secret to remaining fully conscious when Senator Kerry is speaking?

8. What's Malibu Barbie really like?

9. If, as you say, there are two Americas, which one is your vacation home in?

10. Do you have any idea how late it is? This is a school night.


Andy Borowitz is the winner of the National Press Club's first award for humor.



Copyright 2004 The New York Times Company